Church Jokes
Page 2

After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun top stand up and yell than to set down and listen."

A hat was passed around a church congregation to take up an offering for the visiting minister.

Presently, it was returned to him...embarrassingly empty.

Slowly, the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully. Then, raising his eyes heavenward, he exclaimed, "I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.

You've waded in a creek wearing a necktie.

You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover who you were.

You'd rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist.

A church picnic is no picnic.

You've ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregation search committee.

You've been tempted to take up an offering at a family reunion.

You've ever wanted to give the soundman some feedback of your own.

You've ever wanted to lay hands on a deacon, and you weren't thinking of praying for him.

You often feel like you're herding mules rather than shepherding sheep.

Your sermons have a happy ending; everyone's happy when it ends!

You've never preached on TV, but your wife made you get down before you break something.

It's your job to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"

A little 9 year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said, " Can we leave now?"

"No." her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Well, then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about 2 minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes," replied the little girl.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy," she replied. "They have a box next to the front door that say 'for the sick.'"

A young boy came to Sunday School late.

His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?

The boy replied, "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

...if you think God's presence is always strongest in the back three pews.

...if you think John the Baptist founded the Southern Baptist Convention.

...if you think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.

...if the first complete sentence you uttered was "We've never done it this way before."

...if you judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.

...if your definition of "fellowship" has something to do with food.

...if you ever wonder when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong will be paid off.

...if you honestly believe the Apostle Paul spoke King James English

...if you think worship service music has to be loud.

...if you think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.

...if you think preachers who wear robes are in Cahoots with the communists.

...if you judge the quality of a service by the length of the service.

And finally, if you ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach, you might be a Southern Baptist.

ADAM
Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.

JESUS
Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single. Has a messiah complex.

NOAH
Prone to unrealistic building projects.

ABRAHAM
Though the reference reported wife swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife.

JOSEPH
A big thinker but a braggart. Believes in dream interpreting, and has a prison record. Had been accused of adultery.

MOSES
A modest and meek man but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly.

JOB
Complains a lot.

DAVID
The most promising leader of all until we discovered his affair with his neighbour's wife. His kids are out of control. Worse yet, he's a proponent of instrumental music in worship.

SOLOMON
Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives. Good with building projects though. Rather extravagant.

ELIJAH
Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure. Spends too much time in wilderness. Loner. No wife that we know of.

SAMSON
Hair is too long.

JONAH
Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. Known to pout when things don't go his way. We hung up.

MELCHIZEDEK
Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.

JOHN
Says he's a Baptist but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end. Has a weird diet. Provokes denominational leaders. Is too social and political minded. Offends politicians and is
known to lose his head on occasion.

PETER
Too blue collar. Has a bad temper. Has even been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon. Probably speaks in tongues. Claims to have visions.

PAUL
Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. Controversial on women's issues. Admits to speaking in tongues. Has recommended young men to drink wine. Little chance that he will ever marry.

TIMOTHY
Too young.

METHUSELAH
Too old. WAY too old.

JUDAS
His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative and pragmatic. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he got, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do. The urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant and told him that he was sick and could not attend church. Then he packed up the car, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he's doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung, and the ball sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A perfect hole-in-one. The preacher was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"